TeleZAP!
--------

The "Surreal" Service
A Review By David Mills


When the Editor in Chief told me to do a review of this service
I wasn't too enthusiastic. But the E.I.C. is a very charming
and charismatic guy, and when he and all his thugs come into
your office and sit on you and your chairs, it's hard to say no
to him.

Besides, I realized later (while recovering from his proposal)
that I'm not such a bad pick for this job. I seem to have a
hole in my modem down which all my money goes, and I subscribe
to practically every major telecommunications service available
except CompuServe, The Source, Dow Jones, Delphi, Viewtron and
a few others. And I've called up three bulletin boards, one of
them several times.

The TeleZAP! Network is a Telecommunications service with a
difference. Most such services have varying personalities, but
TeleZAP! has... well, trauma would say it well. Comparing the
others is like comparing an orange, a grapefruit, a
lemon--different flavors maybe, but the same idea. Using
TeleZAP! is like biting into a balloon. Not quite sure what
you've got your teeth in, but what a bang!

TeleZAP! offers many special sections, called "Units", which are
accessed by typing the Unit's initials at the main system
prompt. Help is available to assist you if you get into either
on- or off-line trouble. Just type AWWK! and the genie will
appear.

--------------------
NYCE NET INVOLVEMENT
--------------------

Certainly the best Unit on TeleZAP! is NYCE Network's Political
Developments Board (hereafter PDB). The Network runs this
controversial unit (by which I mean we dominate and ruthlessly
exploit it). It is certainly the best-known section;
Washington's strong response to its summer activities put it in
the limelight. The attacks were lead by Secretary Of State
George Schultz. In protest of "The Peking Duck Crisis", he
referred to us as "...A viscous ring of meddlers...". The
Chinese Ambassador, who was even more upset concurred,
"They are irresponsible vandals who wouldn't be tolerated in a
civilized, right-thinking culture."

Washington's ire (and also that of the Soviet Union) was again
aroused last November by the PDB-inspired attendance of nuclear
warheads at the Arms Limitation talks in Geneva. Dismissing all
pleas of fair representation, Secretary of Defense Casper
Weinberger stormed, "These User-Group hooligans are playing
right into Russia's hands!" And President Regan vowed, "We will
take whatever action is necessary to end forever these terrorist
activities within our own borders and those of whatever puppet
states we hold our conferences in."

The aura of controversy surrounding the PDB comes, of course,
from our pursuit of its stated goals, namely to further
Political Developments with all possible speed. The Board
offers advice and training in self-offense, para-military
training and political jaywalking, all in complete
confidentiality--or at least Attorney General Meese hasn't yet
managed to deliver the subpoena for records to any of the
Sysops. The message boards also contain information on
socio-political upheaval, mayhem, pillage, long-armed legal
combat, and the construction and care-free maintenance of smoke-
screens.

On the PDB you can converse with Adi Amin, Winston Churchill,
Ohmar Khadafy and any of the British "double oh" agents. In his
expose' of The NYCE Network, Tom Brokaw concluded "...and that's
it for this, the 304th day of the Political Developments Board
nightmare."

My own suggestion to our members (and any other readers) is to
stop by and see what all the fuss is about.

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OTHER FEATURES
--------------

TeleZAP!'s other areas are just as different from the
competition. Consider, for example, the Alchemy sub-Unit
(plastics need not apply here), where you can dis-regard the
Periodic Table and transmute Strawberry Jam to Tofutti while
endangering your Immortal Soul. Or try the Electro-fizz
quadrangle, which I can't remember what happened there, but
Ohmigod, I'll never forget it either.

One of my favorite Units on TeleZAP! is Pirate's Treasure, where
you can shanghai next year's software packages last year. This
innovative concept was reportedly very tough to implement, and
several major technical hurdles had to be overcome, but I'll
tell you, it was worth it! People who haven't used this service
just have *no idea* the terrific stuff that's just a few
months short of completion! NOTE: This pirated software is
provided for your personal use only and may not be sold or
distributed to others in any form, ha ha.

One thing you should know is that the FBI is investigating this
Unit vigorously, and the G-man at the Conference room door has a
digitizer concealed in his necktie. Also I would wear rubbeIgloves while
typing in this section to disguise your
fingerprints--especially while entering download requests.

Another place where I spend a lot of time is the Religion Unit.
This has very diverse sub-boards, and while there will be some
who go to the odd sections like Jihad (run by Ayatollah
Khomeini), most people visit the Heaven Board. TeleZAP! has
managed to get God (first name Yahweh) to Sysop this board, and
while it's not an exclusive engagement (I suspect He does this
in His spare time when He isn't watching the sparrows fall or
growing the wheat and the Arctic plankton), His presence is a
real coup for TeleZAP!. Sending Him E-mail is a hell of a lot
more effective than prayer, and the replies are less
ambiguous too.

In addition to Tymenet and Uninet, the Heaven Board can be
reached the hard way, though few of the people who choose this
route make it back. The main exceptions are of course, Orpheus,
Persephone, and in more modern times, Mrs. G. E. Schlayermayer
who also has run-ins with flying saucers.

Naturally there's a counterpart to the Heaven Board, and while
it's not on this system, I'll mention it here, namely Ruth's
private room on Playnet; it's worthy of a visit too, though for
different reasons.

The Religion Unit has other goodies too; notable among them is
the Strange Religions sub-Unit hosted Guru Mahara Ji (now that
Rev. Jones has moved on to other areas of endeavor), the
Non-taxable Income Maintenance Program featuring advice from
Rev. S. Moon, and the Reincarnation SIG which, though
valiantly trying, hasn't quite made it back.

Naturally Games are available on TeleZAP! too, and like
everything else here, they're definitely different. Games of
skill and chance are available, as well as the traditional text
and graphics adventures. The first-time user may be
disappointed at how easy most of these games are to win, but
this is a feature, not a bug. When you loose, you *stay* a Dead
Troll until the next time you win, and an amazing number of
friends can disown you in just a half hour because of it.
(Winning again isn't so hard if you're a Dead Troll who
went to the Heaven Board, but if you wind up in Ruth's Room you
may be in trouble--there are (literally) a hell of a lot of
distractions there.)

If you're interested in TeleZAP!'s services you may call the
company directly (for some silly legal reason their offices are
in Singapore) or see me at a User's Group meeting. I have a
special half-price signup offer that includes a dispensation for
three (3) wishes granted by the Almighty. The connect
time charges are quite reasonable too, especially with the
Dollar swinging high on foreign currency markets, though of
course the exact hourly charge will fluctuate daily.

Submitted by David Mills
NYCE Network - Manhattan Connection Secretary
And 3-week Dead Troll
In Serious Trouble

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author's note: This article is reprinted from The NYCE
Network News, a users group newsletter. It originally appeared
in the JAN. '86 issue. (NYCE = New York Commodore Exchange)